Staying Focused: Keeping My Eyes on Jesus

So much has been going on these past few months.  God has been doing a new work in me.  I have been facing some inward parts of myself that are difficult to deal with.  I have been reliving memories from the past and feeling pain that I deemed long gone.  God is healing these parts of me, and He alone is showing me the depth and breadth of His passionate love for me.  As Christians, we all go through different seasons in our walk with the Lord.  When things are going well, it can be hard to see our need for Jesus, thinking ourselves to have it all figured out.  Somewhere along the way, this happened to me.  Perhaps it was pride that was underneath the surface, but I was wearing a thick mask until now.  It is very difficult trying to pretend as though all is well when you feeling the ground shaking beneath you.  I have been dealing with Jeff's illness, but also I have learned that there will always be something going on in my life that is not according to my plan.  I have to learn that God's plans are ultimately the best for my life, better than my own could ever be!  Life may not go according to the way I dreamed it would be, but I have to believe that God's way will be even better in the long run.  I have realized that I allow my focus to become on other people's faults and shortcomings, and not even on my own need for Jesus' saving grace and power to live a holy (set apart for His purposes) life.  Holy does not mean I am perfect, because I certainly am not.  Lately, that has become even more apparent to me as I have become trapped in a dark cycle of heaviness and feeling hopelessness.  God has given me a ministry of bringing the hope of Jesus to a hopeless world, and yet I am feeling hopeless. 

Last night, I called a friend on the other side of the world.  It was amazing how the words she spoke were exactly what I needed to hear at this moment.  It was God speaking to me through her.  She spoke of going back to the basics of just spending time with the Lord, obeying and trusting Him, trusting and obeying Him.  I realized as we talked that I have wandered from my first love...Jesus. He may not have been my first earthly love, as I seemed to love many things and people before Him. Thinking about what has NOT happened in my life was the trap set for me by the enemy.  The enemy has tried to convince me that God does not have good plans for my life, that somehow I had lost something that could never be replaced.  It was disheartening and the more I concentrated on this lie of the devil, the more I began to feel weak and hopeless.  However, once it began, the thoughts just kept coming at a rapid pace.  The enemy thought he had me trapped and would destroy me through hopelessness, doubt and fear. 

This is the exact moment that I heard the Lord speak into my spirit, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."  He revealed the plans of the enemy, showed me how I was believing a lie, and showed me that all I had to do was trust in Jesus again.  You see, what I think I lost was never mine to begin with.  I was a different person.  With my baptism into the death of Christ, and my resurrection to new life in Him, that became lost to me as well.  A living sacrifice was made, as is holy and acceptable to the Lord.  I cannot and will not return to that dark place, Lord willing.  I cannot stay away in my own strength, but with Him, I know that I am safely hidden under the shadow of His wings.  He will protect me, keep me, and deliver me to Himself on the day of salvation.  It may have felt as though there is loss in my life, but really I have gained more than I ever lost, just as Paul said. 

I realized last night, as I sat talking to my friend, that Jesus is the lover of my soul.  He is a passionate lover of everything that makes up ME.  He created me this way and deeply loves me when others think I am a strange.  As I hung up the phone and prayed quietly, I felt the presence of God fill my room and His peace overcome me.  I forgot what I thought I was formerly missing, and all was well in my heart again. 

I encourage you that if you are focused on the past, things that have not worked out the way you planned, take these things to the Lord and let Him absorb your emotions in the presence of His love.  When our focus is solely on Him, there is unsurpassed peace in our hearts.  Its when I take my eyes off His love and goodness toward me in Jesus that I begin to feel as though I am sinking again. 

I need His help to walk forward from here.  I feel as though I am a newborn baby again, having to let go of the past and pressing forward, onward toward the high calling that is in Christ Jesus.  It is difficult to let go.  It hurts, but I know God will heal me and help me to live the abundant life He died to give me. 

I pray you are all blessed in Jesus name. 

His beloved,

Sarah

Living Between the Poles: Loving a Spouse with Bipolar Disorder

I have finally gathered the courage, with God's help, to share a very intimate struggle that occurs daily in our household.  I have been married to my loving husband, Jeff, for six and half years.  Throughout this time, we have suffered many hardships.  As I have mentioned on numerous other occasions, we have faced extensive problems and illness.  One illness that has greatly affected our marriage and home is Bipolar Disorder with Panic Disorder.  At the beginning of this past year, Jeff suffered through an emotional breakdown while performing his duties as a recruiter for the United States Air Force.  After taking him to a local hospital, he visited a psychiatrist and was definitively diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Panic Disorder.  He was put on medications that have helped him greatly in the past few months.  However, as I began to research these disorders, I felt as though I was staring in the mirror while reading others' testimonies about the behavior of their bipolar spouses.  I realized that the struggles we have faced all these years are not uncommon for married couples who deal with Bipolar Disorder in the home.  The divorce rate for marriages that involve Bipolar is 90%.  I can understand why after living with the constant cycles of mania and depression, anxiety and fear.  Jeff also suffers from Panic Disorder which makes things even more interesting in our household.  In the blink of an eye, he can go from seemingly normal to his heart racing, having heightened anxiety, and almost paranoid fear.  As some of you may have already realized (especially military families), our future as a military family is yet very uncertain.  At one point, I comforted myself with the idea that should Jeff be medically discharged from the military, he would most likely qualify for 100% disability, but that just doesn't seem to really comfort me. 

Growing up, I dreamed of having a husband who loved me and would give the world for me.  I wanted to be that kind of wife to my husband as well.  I must say that I am 100% sure that my husband LOVES me very much.  I have been asked if I felt he was purposely trying to make me divorce him by acting this way.  That can really mess with a person's mind who is already dealing with such a major life issue.  The answer to that question is NO.  He is not doing it to me on purpose.  He LOVES me, but he has an illness that greatly affects the way he shows me love.  I never know what kind of day it will be when I wake up in the morning.  Jeff, it seems, is a "rapid-cycler" when it comes to Bipolar.  That means that one day he might be totally energized, even a little obssessed, with a new project...staying up until the wee hours of the morning working on something.  Then the very next day, he will lack all motivation to do anything and sleep all day.  This may sound normal to many people, or just a lack of balance in one's waking and sleep patterns.  That is why this disorder is sometimes not diagnosed for many years at a time.  I have always known in my heart that something was not quite right about the way Jeff acted, but I did not feel it was anything medically wrong until he had a breakdown this year.  The only other time I remember his behavior becoming extreme was after he returned from a deployment to Iraq.  However, that is to be expected post-deployment; there is always a re-adjustment period.  He just never re-adjusted. He began having more sleep problems, anger and irritablity - along with what we now define as panic attacks.  The psychiatrist said that there is probably some PTSD happening as well.

 Now, looking back, I can see all the rapid cycles and how the lack of judgment and poor decision making tied into those episodes.  People would often call Jeff "lazy" or say that he had no ambition or motivation.  He has plenty of ambition when he is manic. Jeff is also a very talented craftsmen, and most of his projects revolve around working with his hands. He can even be extremely innovative and inventive, producing a training model for the Air Force that saved them money and manhours for training staff on aircraft arresting systems. Many times, he has ingenious ideas, but the lack of motivation caused by depression gets in the way of his greatness.  He is smart, but sometimes, it is hard for him to concentrate and he can be quite forgetful.  I can see the man on the inside, and he is great.  I now understand how people with various disorders are judged in the world by their problems, and not by their unique gifts/talents.

By the way, there are some very famous and brilliant people who are thought to have/had Bipolar Disorder.  Some include: Vincent Van Gogh, Virginia Woolf, Jane Pauley, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Winston Churchill, Michelangelo, Mozart, Isaac Newton, Picasso, Albert Einstein, and even Christopher Columbus.  Of course many of these are just thought to be bipolar, as this diagnosis did not exist during the time of their existence on earth, but is based on the historical data of their lives and behaviors.

I have been told by several people that it would be better to save myself and my children from the process of living with a Bipolar husband and father. I have thought of leaving, especially on the more difficult days.  I feel weak at times, but I pray and ask God for strength.

They ask if my children will become Bipolar, and I pray constantly that they will be protected from all harm, including Bipolar Disorder.I have also given them education on why Daddy behaves this way, and teach them a different way of thinking, if possible. I absolutely hate the thought that one of my children might suffer the way I have seen my husband suffer through this disorder.  While it may disturb me and cause problems in our marriage, it is downright hellish for him to live this out on a daily basis.  I married him because I love him and he has a wonderful, loving, compassionate and forgiving heart.  He loved me when I thought I was unloveable and hated myself.  He stuck with me through alcoholism and drug use, and although those things are no longer part of my life, he was with me in the beginning when they were.  Nobody is perfect. 

I have struggled in speaking about this publicly for many reasons.  First, I do not want opinions changing regarding my husband.  Perhaps, some people who have witnessed his erratic, brazen and even somewhat abusive behavior might begin to understand him better.  I am not making excuses for him and I do hold him accountable for his actions, as well as taking his medications, and being genuinely sorry for words/actions that are hurtful. As I expect to be held accountable as well.

For the longest time, this has been a secret in our lives and it is time to open that lid.  Recently, I began to realize how much living with Bipolar Disorder has truly affected me, both positively and negatively.  On the positive side, I have learned how to be more loving, compassionate and forgiving than I ever thought possible.  I have been longsuffering, patient and done my utmost to be kind to my husband, although I fail daily at this! On the negative side, without support, I often become depressed and feel hopeless about the future.  I feel "trapped" inside of a box, and lonely not reaching out to others to give/receive help.

I began to realize recently that keeping this a secret was becoming more hurtful than helpful to me and our family.  I realized that we have wonderful, amazing loving friends and family who I know will support us and pray for us through this struggle.

I wake up every day and ask God to give me the strength to be the kind of woman, wife and mother that He has called me to be.  Every day, I wake up feeling a complete lack of strength and I depend on the strength of God to get me through.  I am TIRED of keeping this a secret.  I love my husband. It is hard to live with this disorder.  I once was faced with another situation in life where I had the choice to support someone or walk away.  I walked away and it was not the right decision.  I will not make that same mistake twice.  And to that person, you know who you are, and I am SORRY - more than you will ever know.  But because I made that mistake, it has turned me into a committed wife who will continue to try every day to keep going, even if it means there is pain involved.  Life is not easy, and I don't want to take the easy way out.  That is painful too.

I admire Jeff, who is constantly humble and courageous. Despite the horrible nature of this disorder, he pushes on every day, loving me and his children - providing for our family, regardless of how hard it can be just to get through some days.  He has even branched out recently and we have begun to make some new friends.  I asked him recently if I could share our struggle online, and he said YES.  He said "I know there are other people out there with this problem, and I am not the only one."

I haven't even told him yet, but one day when I become a Professional Counselor, I am going to try to help other people who have Bipolar Disorder.  Perhaps, I will do research and find out better ways for clients and their families to truly LIVE and not let the disorder rob life away from them.  Going through this has inspired me to bring hope to the hopeless. 

One way of doing this today is through our ministry, Esther's Call Prayer Ministry, at www.estherscallprayerministry.org. Anyone can receive free prayer and encouragement by sending an email to pray4me@estherscallprayerministry.org, or calling 918-424-7161, a 24/7 open FREE prayer line.

I pray that you will read this and understand why I have written this post.  And I say to you please, IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL. We are facing enough without any negative comments. 

Love you all!  God bless you abundantly in Jesus name.

Sarah

My Secret Battle...

As some of you know, I have recently been making some major lifestyle changes, learning to eat a whole food organic diet and starting the Insanity workout program. What you may not know is why this has become so important to me.

When I was 19 years old, I became pregnant with a beautiful baby girl who I later named Mariah. At that time, I weighed 121 lbs. and actually considered myself to be overweight. I am 5'2" just for reference. I was active and went rock climbing at a local gym. Despite my attempts to eat somewhat healthy food, I gained 33 lbs. and this weight was not hard to lose. Within just a few months, I was back to normal with just a few new "marks". When Mariah was 3 years old, I married Jeff. I was pregnant at the time and gained another 37 lbs. During that pregnancy. I was able to lose all but ten pounds when I became pregnant again. As usual, I began to gain weight almost immediately and very quickly. At 7.5 weeks of pregnancy, I suffered a miscarriage. I had miscarried before very early in another pregnancy, but without the rapid weight gain. After a few days, I began to feel stronger symptoms of pregnancy and found out that I was still pregnant despite having miscarried. This was indicative that I had been carrying twins. I kept gaining weight until 2 weeks later when I suffered yet another miscarriage. The doctor gave us the green light to keep trying and so we did. The very next month, I became pregnant again. I never had time to lose the weight of the twin pregnancy but I was overjoyed to be pregnant again. After 7 1/2 weeks, the doctors declared that I had suffered yet another miscarriage. It was devastating.

Jeff and I went through chromosomal testing which came back that we were both normal. The very next month after the third consecutive miscarriage, we decided to stop trying to conceive. Three weeks later, I found out I was pregnant again. This was my pregnancy with my son, Colt. I started this pregnancy after three miscarriages and months of weight gain and hormonal fluctuations. I was 143 lbs. I then gained 44 lbs.

On the day of giving birth, I was 187 lbs. My body had been through so much by this point. Then, during delivery, my blood pressure dropped to 60/40 and my pulse was 40. I was rushed into c-section.

I spent six weeks recovering from the c-section but something just didn't feel right. I began getting dizzy and nauseated all throughout the day and then I began having "near-fainting" episodes. Then while attempting to do the p90x workout program, I collapsed. This inspired me to visit my doctor who did an EKG and told me it was abnormal. I visited a cardiologist and was told that I had an arrhythmia and a hole between the atriums of my heart that could cause an aneurism. I was told that I would need a pacemaker and I was restricted from exercising in any way that made my heart rate rise above 150 bpm. I asked how I was supposed to lose the weight I had gained through pregnancy and was told that my heart health was a priority, not weight loss. I was 163 lbs. at the time. I was told that a power walk was the most exercise I would do. It was mentally crushing to think that i would have to live in my fat body with joint pain and fatigue forever. I hated looking in the mirror being disgusted at my own appearance. This caused me to lose all self-confidence and begin to hate myself. I stopped wearing "cute" clothes thinking, "what is the point?"

I dreaded the thought that someone might take a picture of me and tag me
on Facebook. I would quickly try to delete any pictures of myself that anyone took. I began to cry before God asking why this was happening to me. I prayed for healing of my heart continually and told God that if He healed my heart, I would trust Him to help me lose the weight through diet and exercise.

I prayed and prayed, and asked others to pray for healing of my heart. One day, while visiting a new church, I went to the front to have the prayer team pray for me. We agreed in prayer for God to heal my heart. From that moment on, I felt different. A couple of months later I went to the cardiologist and he declared that my heart "healed itself" and that I wad totally healthy and normal. There is nothing wrong with my heart. I ran on a treadmill during a stress test and then had an ultrasound of my heart which showed the hole that had existed and showed it was completely healed.

As promised to God, I began to pray for wisdom about making healthier choices with diet and exercise. Right before I was healed, I had visited the ER and had an EKG performed that showed evidence of a possible previous heart attack. This was all healed. Now I am eating a whole foods and organic diet, called "clean eating" and I am able to do the Insanity workout program without a flutter in my heart, dizziness or fainting. The doctors said I would never be able to do this.

But with God, nothing is impossible. Today, I am 144 lbs. I've lost 43 lbs already but I'm just getting started. My goal is to weigh 125 lbs., but most all be healthier than I have ever been in my life, and be in better physical shape.

Please pray for me as I continue down this path where God is leading me. I can do nothing apart from Him, but I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

By the way, I thank God every day for the three beautiful children He has given me on this earth and I cannot wait to meet the 6 other babies that I have lost over the past 10 years. I know they are with Jesus and I will one day see each of them in heaven.

I hope my story encourages you to believe God to do the impossible. I pray that you are blessed in Jesus name.

In His Love,

Sarah