I have finally gathered the courage, with God's help, to share a very intimate struggle that occurs daily in our household. I have been married to my loving husband, Jeff, for six and half years. Throughout this time, we have suffered many hardships. As I have mentioned on numerous other occasions, we have faced extensive problems and illness. One illness that has greatly affected our marriage and home is Bipolar Disorder with Panic Disorder. At the beginning of this past year, Jeff suffered through an emotional breakdown while performing his duties as a recruiter for the United States Air Force. After taking him to a local hospital, he visited a psychiatrist and was definitively diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Panic Disorder. He was put on medications that have helped him greatly in the past few months. However, as I began to research these disorders, I felt as though I was staring in the mirror while reading others' testimonies about the behavior of their bipolar spouses. I realized that the struggles we have faced all these years are not uncommon for married couples who deal with Bipolar Disorder in the home. The divorce rate for marriages that involve Bipolar is 90%. I can understand why after living with the constant cycles of mania and depression, anxiety and fear. Jeff also suffers from Panic Disorder which makes things even more interesting in our household. In the blink of an eye, he can go from seemingly normal to his heart racing, having heightened anxiety, and almost paranoid fear. As some of you may have already realized (especially military families), our future as a military family is yet very uncertain. At one point, I comforted myself with the idea that should Jeff be medically discharged from the military, he would most likely qualify for 100% disability, but that just doesn't seem to really comfort me.
Growing up, I dreamed of having a husband who loved me and would give the world for me. I wanted to be that kind of wife to my husband as well. I must say that I am 100% sure that my husband LOVES me very much. I have been asked if I felt he was purposely trying to make me divorce him by acting this way. That can really mess with a person's mind who is already dealing with such a major life issue. The answer to that question is NO. He is not doing it to me on purpose. He LOVES me, but he has an illness that greatly affects the way he shows me love. I never know what kind of day it will be when I wake up in the morning. Jeff, it seems, is a "rapid-cycler" when it comes to Bipolar. That means that one day he might be totally energized, even a little obssessed, with a new project...staying up until the wee hours of the morning working on something. Then the very next day, he will lack all motivation to do anything and sleep all day. This may sound normal to many people, or just a lack of balance in one's waking and sleep patterns. That is why this disorder is sometimes not diagnosed for many years at a time. I have always known in my heart that something was not quite right about the way Jeff acted, but I did not feel it was anything medically wrong until he had a breakdown this year. The only other time I remember his behavior becoming extreme was after he returned from a deployment to Iraq. However, that is to be expected post-deployment; there is always a re-adjustment period. He just never re-adjusted. He began having more sleep problems, anger and irritablity - along with what we now define as panic attacks. The psychiatrist said that there is probably some PTSD happening as well.
Now, looking back, I can see all the rapid cycles and how the lack of judgment and poor decision making tied into those episodes. People would often call Jeff "lazy" or say that he had no ambition or motivation. He has plenty of ambition when he is manic. Jeff is also a very talented craftsmen, and most of his projects revolve around working with his hands. He can even be extremely innovative and inventive, producing a training model for the Air Force that saved them money and manhours for training staff on aircraft arresting systems. Many times, he has ingenious ideas, but the lack of motivation caused by depression gets in the way of his greatness. He is smart, but sometimes, it is hard for him to concentrate and he can be quite forgetful. I can see the man on the inside, and he is great. I now understand how people with various disorders are judged in the world by their problems, and not by their unique gifts/talents.
By the way, there are some very famous and brilliant people who are thought to have/had Bipolar Disorder. Some include: Vincent Van Gogh, Virginia Woolf, Jane Pauley, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Winston Churchill, Michelangelo, Mozart, Isaac Newton, Picasso, Albert Einstein, and even Christopher Columbus. Of course many of these are just thought to be bipolar, as this diagnosis did not exist during the time of their existence on earth, but is based on the historical data of their lives and behaviors.
I have been told by several people that it would be better to save myself and my children from the process of living with a Bipolar husband and father. I have thought of leaving, especially on the more difficult days. I feel weak at times, but I pray and ask God for strength.
They ask if my children will become Bipolar, and I pray constantly that they will be protected from all harm, including Bipolar Disorder.I have also given them education on why Daddy behaves this way, and teach them a different way of thinking, if possible. I absolutely hate the thought that one of my children might suffer the way I have seen my husband suffer through this disorder. While it may disturb me and cause problems in our marriage, it is downright hellish for him to live this out on a daily basis. I married him because I love him and he has a wonderful, loving, compassionate and forgiving heart. He loved me when I thought I was unloveable and hated myself. He stuck with me through alcoholism and drug use, and although those things are no longer part of my life, he was with me in the beginning when they were. Nobody is perfect.
I have struggled in speaking about this publicly for many reasons. First, I do not want opinions changing regarding my husband. Perhaps, some people who have witnessed his erratic, brazen and even somewhat abusive behavior might begin to understand him better. I am not making excuses for him and I do hold him accountable for his actions, as well as taking his medications, and being genuinely sorry for words/actions that are hurtful. As I expect to be held accountable as well.
For the longest time, this has been a secret in our lives and it is time to open that lid. Recently, I began to realize how much living with Bipolar Disorder has truly affected me, both positively and negatively. On the positive side, I have learned how to be more loving, compassionate and forgiving than I ever thought possible. I have been longsuffering, patient and done my utmost to be kind to my husband, although I fail daily at this! On the negative side, without support, I often become depressed and feel hopeless about the future. I feel "trapped" inside of a box, and lonely not reaching out to others to give/receive help.
I began to realize recently that keeping this a secret was becoming more hurtful than helpful to me and our family. I realized that we have wonderful, amazing loving friends and family who I know will support us and pray for us through this struggle.
I wake up every day and ask God to give me the strength to be the kind of woman, wife and mother that He has called me to be. Every day, I wake up feeling a complete lack of strength and I depend on the strength of God to get me through. I am TIRED of keeping this a secret. I love my husband. It is hard to live with this disorder. I once was faced with another situation in life where I had the choice to support someone or walk away. I walked away and it was not the right decision. I will not make that same mistake twice. And to that person, you know who you are, and I am SORRY - more than you will ever know. But because I made that mistake, it has turned me into a committed wife who will continue to try every day to keep going, even if it means there is pain involved. Life is not easy, and I don't want to take the easy way out. That is painful too.
I admire Jeff, who is constantly humble and courageous. Despite the horrible nature of this disorder, he pushes on every day, loving me and his children - providing for our family, regardless of how hard it can be just to get through some days. He has even branched out recently and we have begun to make some new friends. I asked him recently if I could share our struggle online, and he said YES. He said "I know there are other people out there with this problem, and I am not the only one."
I haven't even told him yet, but one day when I become a Professional Counselor, I am going to try to help other people who have Bipolar Disorder. Perhaps, I will do research and find out better ways for clients and their families to truly LIVE and not let the disorder rob life away from them. Going through this has inspired me to bring hope to the hopeless.
One way of doing this today is through our ministry, Esther's Call Prayer Ministry, at www.estherscallprayerministry.org. Anyone can receive free prayer and encouragement by sending an email to pray4me@estherscallprayerministry.org, or calling 918-424-7161, a 24/7 open FREE prayer line.
I pray that you will read this and understand why I have written this post. And I say to you please, IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL. We are facing enough without any negative comments.
Love you all! God bless you abundantly in Jesus name.
Sarah
Growing up, I dreamed of having a husband who loved me and would give the world for me. I wanted to be that kind of wife to my husband as well. I must say that I am 100% sure that my husband LOVES me very much. I have been asked if I felt he was purposely trying to make me divorce him by acting this way. That can really mess with a person's mind who is already dealing with such a major life issue. The answer to that question is NO. He is not doing it to me on purpose. He LOVES me, but he has an illness that greatly affects the way he shows me love. I never know what kind of day it will be when I wake up in the morning. Jeff, it seems, is a "rapid-cycler" when it comes to Bipolar. That means that one day he might be totally energized, even a little obssessed, with a new project...staying up until the wee hours of the morning working on something. Then the very next day, he will lack all motivation to do anything and sleep all day. This may sound normal to many people, or just a lack of balance in one's waking and sleep patterns. That is why this disorder is sometimes not diagnosed for many years at a time. I have always known in my heart that something was not quite right about the way Jeff acted, but I did not feel it was anything medically wrong until he had a breakdown this year. The only other time I remember his behavior becoming extreme was after he returned from a deployment to Iraq. However, that is to be expected post-deployment; there is always a re-adjustment period. He just never re-adjusted. He began having more sleep problems, anger and irritablity - along with what we now define as panic attacks. The psychiatrist said that there is probably some PTSD happening as well.
Now, looking back, I can see all the rapid cycles and how the lack of judgment and poor decision making tied into those episodes. People would often call Jeff "lazy" or say that he had no ambition or motivation. He has plenty of ambition when he is manic. Jeff is also a very talented craftsmen, and most of his projects revolve around working with his hands. He can even be extremely innovative and inventive, producing a training model for the Air Force that saved them money and manhours for training staff on aircraft arresting systems. Many times, he has ingenious ideas, but the lack of motivation caused by depression gets in the way of his greatness. He is smart, but sometimes, it is hard for him to concentrate and he can be quite forgetful. I can see the man on the inside, and he is great. I now understand how people with various disorders are judged in the world by their problems, and not by their unique gifts/talents.
By the way, there are some very famous and brilliant people who are thought to have/had Bipolar Disorder. Some include: Vincent Van Gogh, Virginia Woolf, Jane Pauley, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Winston Churchill, Michelangelo, Mozart, Isaac Newton, Picasso, Albert Einstein, and even Christopher Columbus. Of course many of these are just thought to be bipolar, as this diagnosis did not exist during the time of their existence on earth, but is based on the historical data of their lives and behaviors.
I have been told by several people that it would be better to save myself and my children from the process of living with a Bipolar husband and father. I have thought of leaving, especially on the more difficult days. I feel weak at times, but I pray and ask God for strength.
They ask if my children will become Bipolar, and I pray constantly that they will be protected from all harm, including Bipolar Disorder.I have also given them education on why Daddy behaves this way, and teach them a different way of thinking, if possible. I absolutely hate the thought that one of my children might suffer the way I have seen my husband suffer through this disorder. While it may disturb me and cause problems in our marriage, it is downright hellish for him to live this out on a daily basis. I married him because I love him and he has a wonderful, loving, compassionate and forgiving heart. He loved me when I thought I was unloveable and hated myself. He stuck with me through alcoholism and drug use, and although those things are no longer part of my life, he was with me in the beginning when they were. Nobody is perfect.
I have struggled in speaking about this publicly for many reasons. First, I do not want opinions changing regarding my husband. Perhaps, some people who have witnessed his erratic, brazen and even somewhat abusive behavior might begin to understand him better. I am not making excuses for him and I do hold him accountable for his actions, as well as taking his medications, and being genuinely sorry for words/actions that are hurtful. As I expect to be held accountable as well.
For the longest time, this has been a secret in our lives and it is time to open that lid. Recently, I began to realize how much living with Bipolar Disorder has truly affected me, both positively and negatively. On the positive side, I have learned how to be more loving, compassionate and forgiving than I ever thought possible. I have been longsuffering, patient and done my utmost to be kind to my husband, although I fail daily at this! On the negative side, without support, I often become depressed and feel hopeless about the future. I feel "trapped" inside of a box, and lonely not reaching out to others to give/receive help.
I began to realize recently that keeping this a secret was becoming more hurtful than helpful to me and our family. I realized that we have wonderful, amazing loving friends and family who I know will support us and pray for us through this struggle.
I wake up every day and ask God to give me the strength to be the kind of woman, wife and mother that He has called me to be. Every day, I wake up feeling a complete lack of strength and I depend on the strength of God to get me through. I am TIRED of keeping this a secret. I love my husband. It is hard to live with this disorder. I once was faced with another situation in life where I had the choice to support someone or walk away. I walked away and it was not the right decision. I will not make that same mistake twice. And to that person, you know who you are, and I am SORRY - more than you will ever know. But because I made that mistake, it has turned me into a committed wife who will continue to try every day to keep going, even if it means there is pain involved. Life is not easy, and I don't want to take the easy way out. That is painful too.
I admire Jeff, who is constantly humble and courageous. Despite the horrible nature of this disorder, he pushes on every day, loving me and his children - providing for our family, regardless of how hard it can be just to get through some days. He has even branched out recently and we have begun to make some new friends. I asked him recently if I could share our struggle online, and he said YES. He said "I know there are other people out there with this problem, and I am not the only one."
I haven't even told him yet, but one day when I become a Professional Counselor, I am going to try to help other people who have Bipolar Disorder. Perhaps, I will do research and find out better ways for clients and their families to truly LIVE and not let the disorder rob life away from them. Going through this has inspired me to bring hope to the hopeless.
One way of doing this today is through our ministry, Esther's Call Prayer Ministry, at www.estherscallprayerministry.org. Anyone can receive free prayer and encouragement by sending an email to pray4me@estherscallprayerministry.org, or calling 918-424-7161, a 24/7 open FREE prayer line.
I pray that you will read this and understand why I have written this post. And I say to you please, IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL. We are facing enough without any negative comments.
Love you all! God bless you abundantly in Jesus name.
Sarah
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